There’s not always a reason for your energy level or emotions. It’s not always your cycle, the planets or what’s going on at the surface of your life. Sometimes, it just is.
You don’t always have to analyze, name, intellectually know the origin of or try to heal, fix whatever it is you’re feeling.
Today, I woke up feeling raw. It crept up on me yesterday.
I noticed it when little inconveniences that would normally roll off me deeply frustrated me.
When my husband and I both realized I was irritated by his mere existence at the other end of the couch for no reason at all – he asked what was wrong to which ‘I don’t know’ was the only truth.
He hugged me and a few tears came. It was just a few moments. The kind of tears I’d have pushed down and pushed away a few years ago. And we went on with our evening.
This morning, my body needed to move. I was still raw. And instead of my high energy playlist I’ve been craving, my body said a hard No. Slow. Please.
I recalled how the moment my husband hugged me yesterday the levy broke. And I could feel her right underneath the surface. She wasn’t done yet.
So, I started the playlist. One arm wrapping my waist. The other wrapping my shoulder.
Shifting the hand on my shoulder to cup my neck, my thumb against my jaw line. The way you cup a lover’s face to pull them near.
And there, the levy broke again. Tears of unknown origin. Held. Giving my body the tenderness we only know externally.
And it was fucking beautiful to feel this from within. To hear the words I got you. To feel them.
This is the practice. Over and over and over again. To soften a little more into ourselves. To fold, listen and surrender. To come home. To come back to the wisdom of the body. Deeper and deeper. Layer by layer.
I’ve been doing this for years and I’m still softening. Still learning. It just gets richer with time.
I know you know the seasons of surviving. Of neglecting. Of pushing through. Of not having time.
And I know you don’t always know when or how to soften. It’s not the easy or convenient choice.
But, once you’ve tasted it, it’s the only choice. It’s the way back to nourishment and recovery.
So, enjoy this playlist and let it hold you as you learn to hold yourself.
A Playlist For Feeling Raw
P.S. I’m third lining (human design) meaning I’m leaning into my trial and error style of experiencing life and playing with devoting more time daily to my writing from an intimate and muse led place of expression rather than a service based one. If you enjoy them, I’d love to know.